My Higher Power is John Stamos
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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