jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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