remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
