i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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