you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
