When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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