hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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