I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
