i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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