she woke up with a sticky ear
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You are the jesus of drinking
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
