I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i dont even know how to be here
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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