I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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