Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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