he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize