Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
did you just send me my own nude
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
