Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
