someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
