Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize