dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
