I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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