ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
