You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
