well you can't waste a boner
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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