She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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