Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
