I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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