I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
