his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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