Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
