It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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