Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
