Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
