My friends, they love my intelligence
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
