I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
