turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
