Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
