I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
