I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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