Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
