dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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