Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
