Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
