Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
