Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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