Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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