tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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