Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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