Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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