What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Randomize
