he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
