Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He has the fingertips of a God
Shame is for Republicans.
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