fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Randomize
