You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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