If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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