Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize