I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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