fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
