i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
