Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
