My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
