dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
