At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
