People in love make me want to vomit
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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