I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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