i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
