drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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