I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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