Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
